Trials

Today at church our lesson was on trials. What a great lesson it was for me today. It made me realize how far I have come through this trial. I have had so many times through this that I have wondered where was the Lord, how much more could my family take and not break? Today I realized something, its ok to break. Breaking doesn't mean you can't get fixed, it just means you've done all you can and you have reached your limit. Then once you have broken that is when you truly feel the Lord, because it is Heavenly Father who fixes you. You can't glue yourself back together once you have truly broken and no matter how much your friends and family love you they can't fix you either. They don't have the right kind of glue. There is only one who can truly fix us once we have broken like that and I have felt him fixing me many times in the last 7 months and every time I become stronger and stronger as if the glue he is using is holding better each time. That doesn't mean that I won't still break and that it won't still hurt when I break, I just know now that I won't stay that way. I know Heavenly Father is there and he loves me and he loves my sweet little daughter with the broken body. Only Heavenly Father can heal her, he can use medicines to help, but honestly look at the medicines she is on. Chemo Therapy doesn't cure cancer, it poisons you and kills everything and then lets your body try to heal itself. Chemo therapy kills cancer but it is Heavenly Father that does the healing. Some people don't heal and they return home to him, others heal. Science can't predict which patients will heal and which won't. They have odds, but who will fall into those odds no one knows. It is only Heavenly Father who can save my baby, I can't, the Dr's can't, there is no cure for cancer. Today I realized it is ok to break, I like knowing that. It gives me comfort to know that when I am at my weakest and there is nothing more I can do that Heavenly Father will step in and care for me and nurse my broken spirit back to health. I am so grateful for that knowledge, I don't think I could have gotten through, no I know I couldn't have gotten through all of this on my own and it is only now when I look back that I can truly see how he has been there for me. I wish I could have seen his hand helping me. When I am at my weakest and truly broken I feel so alone. I could be in a room with 100 people and I would still feel alone, because it is not a physical feeling it is a spiritual one that we feel at our lowest. I know I will still have many breaks to go through until we reach the end of this journey, my hope now is that I will go forward and be able to recognize the Lord helping me when he does. I still have faith that he will pull my baby through this and that she will be cured from cancer. I am just so grateful for our lesson in church today and its not that we even spent that long talking on this part of trials, but it is what stood out to me and what I needed to hear and feel today.