Humpty Dumpty Had a Great Fall!

I can honestly say that I think I have been pretty strong and held things together through almost the entire last six months that this has all been going on. That all ended over the last several days. Honestly I think things have been building up inside of me and I don't think I have dealt with a lot of what has been happening to my family. It all came out over the last several days on my loved ones. I am so sorry to everyone that heard my venting and my anger. My anger is in life in general not at any of you and that didn't come out. I know that life is not fair for anyone, but lately I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and it just took a small feather to land on my shoulder to make me fall. I am still trying to sort myself out, I just feel a mess right now. I know everyone loves me and wants to help, I just don't know how to help myself right now and that is where my kind of help is going to need to come from. No one can step in and live my life for me right now, somehow I have to figure out how to pick it all back up and keep going. I can deal with Avarie's illness I have learned so much and I feel very strong in helping her through this mess. My lost feelings come from trying to figure out how to live the rest of my life while still trying to live Leukemia. Right now life almost feels like a small break in the drama that we had early on. But on the other hand it feels like there is all this anxiety building up for what is coming. I am so scared of the transplant. It is such a huge scary thing, and everything is just building up to that point which is only about 2 months away. We don't have a date set, but its coming. Anyway I could go on and on about everything inside of me, but honestly I don't have it all figured out within my own mind, so it just comes out like a big jumble of emotions. To anyone that has heard my tirade in the last few days, I am so sorry, I love you all so much. I can not get through this with out any of you. Maybe because you are all my comfort zone I feel safe to fall in front of you. That doesn't make it right. I just hope that you can forgive me and understand how much I truly love you all so much and I am so grateful for all of your love and support. Please don't give up on me, I will figure my emotions out and get control of myself again.
UPDATE:
Avarie went in for an appointment this morning, she had been running low grade fevers for the last several days, but never quite got up to 101, at least not according to our thermometer. When Craig took her to her appointment this morning she was 101.1. That means she was admitted and will be there for at least the next 48 hours. Her immune system was completely gone, her ANC(Absolute Neutrophil Count) was 0. Neutrophil's are the little immune fighting cells in your blood, so she has absolutely no ability to fight anything right now. Honestly she'll probably be in the hospital until at least Thursday since Craig just called me around 4 and told me she is now up to 102.3. We're due next week for chemo again, so the next couple weeks will probably be a lot of hospital stays. Hopefully it will give me some time to talk with our social worker while I'm there, she will be great at helping me sort through these tough emotions I'm trying to deal with.
I will have Craig update in the next day or so and let you all know how things are going, unless I am able to slip away and find the computer room they claim they have, but I have never found. Actually I know where it is, I have just never found an opportunity to make it in there.