Life Almost Feels Normal, Almost

We actually got to go to church today and attend our classes. Avarie went to her class today too, not just sacrament. She had a really good time. Her Sunday School Teacher, Heather Hawkins, is amazing. She made hats for the entire class to wear. They were hot pink hats with buttons and bells and silly things all over them. The entire class including the teachers and Craig who stayed with Avarie wore them. It was so cute. We are now home eating lunch and doing laundry and it just feels normal. It is such a good feeling. Unfortunately it won't last, we have to go back for chemo tomorrow. We check in at 9am and it is suppose to be at least a 48 hour stay. We hope to be home Wednesday, probably around 4 or 5pm. Of course it is always followed by the famous words of "Unless she gets a fever". Man who ever though fevers could be such a huge deal. Of course this round of chemo medicines that she is getting does sometimes cause fevers. It is one of the main side effects of this particular chemo med, but maybe we'll get lucky. I think she is due for a little more luck and she has been on such a good streak this week.
This last week Avarie has gone to visit both Grandparents homes, gone to her Auntie's house twice, gone to her cousins baptism, gone to church and even went to the grocery store once(but she wasn't allowed to touch anything there, stores are not the cleanest places). She has done more in this last week then she has done in the 5 1/2 months before it. It has been a great week.
That makes it harder to go back in for chemo tomorrow. I love chemo because it saved my baby's life and I know with out it we would have lost her months ago, but I hate it at the same time. I hate what it does to her and I love what it does to her. It is a Love/Hate relationship. I don't think I have ever hated and loved something so much in my whole life. But that is the best way I can explain how I feel about chemo. It is hard now because I see her doing so well and so I want to just stop poisoning her and let her heal, but I also know that it is necessary for her to survive. Again that love/hate thing. At least now we have renewed hope that she can get better, that she will get better when all of this is done. We lost our daughter for so long to this illness and we are just finally getting her back. It is such a blessing.
I know it may be difficult for some people to understand, but I don't question why this is happening to Avarie. I use to, to some extent, but I have never been angry and wondered why God would do this to us. I have always know there was a reason. I didn't know what that reason was and I still don't completely understand it, but I have always felt very strongly that there was a reason. We have been tried spiritually, physically and financially. Our relationships with some have grown very strong, while others have slipped away. It really puts your life under a microscope and you really see the people around you that will truly stand by your side no matter what and others that may love you a lot, but are just unable or even sometimes unwilling. There have not been many of those, we have been so blessed to have so many wonderful people that have stood by and helped us. Some people we didn't know very well going in to this and now they are as close as family. I think for me the two greatest blessings that I have gotten out of this so far, and there are many, but the two greatest have been to realize the strength that Heavenly Father has given me. It is more then I could have ever imagined I possessed. The second is my relationship with Avarie. Avarie and I had a difficult relationship from about age 2 on. She has always been an extremely strong headed little girl and with having two other children and many other challenges and struggles in life, I just had a hard time relating to her sometimes. I sometimes hate myself for feeling that way now, but the truth is I did. Now I have this incredibly close relationship with her. I feel closer to her then I do my other children sometimes, which then again makes me feel guilty about my other children. I love all of my children so much, but the closeness that I feel with Avarie right now is something that a year ago I just didn't know if I would ever feel with her. I was always so close with my older two children, and the baby. For some reason it was just more difficult with Avarie. This has definitely changed that. So in a sad way, this illness has brought many blessings to our life. There are so many other blessings we have been given or have at least had our eyes opened to be able to see. Not that if given the chance I would say yes I would ever want to go through this again, but it helps to remember and see the good things since we don't have a choice to go back and undo what has been done. There are always good things in everything if you look hard enough. Still looking for the good in Craig losing his job though. I'm sure its there and at some point we will see it or find it, but still looking for that one. I'll let you know if I find it.