Day 11 - A Bad Day

Today was a bad day. Avarie has continued to become more and more lethargic and then tonight she threw up for the first time during all of this. I can't completely blame the throw up on chemo, she partly gagged too, but the chemo definitely was the reason her stomach was not feeling well in the first place and then she was taking some of her meds which do not taste good and she gagged on them, right in my face. Yes she threw up in my face, that does not make for a pleasant day. The day was hard for many, many other reasons also, but oh well those reasons are just life.
She continues to look thinner and thinner to me. Our neighbor even commented tonight when she was over visiting on how thin she is starting to look to her also.
Its strange, she has been sick now for quite a while, but it is only with in the last few days that it really feels like it. She was definitely in a lot of pain in the hospital, but that was more physical pain then sickness. The pain is getting better, but she is definitely getting sicker. The best way I can describe it to someone reading this is to say it feels like she is hollow. There is just something missing in her, its like shes there but shes not really there. That is the hardest thing to deal with right now. I can take the constant carrying her everywhere (even though my back hurts) and demands for this or that(major steroid issues there), but the distant hollow look and feeling you get from her that is hard to take. It feels each day like I'm losing more and more of her. I noticed this feeling from her shortly before we left the hospital, but each day has gotten worse. Its not until today that I have begun to really feel that hollow feeling from her, before it was just that she was so tired all the time, now its as if part of her is no longer there.