The Great Wall of China

Sawyer and Avarie love each other so much. Sometimes Sawyer tries to love her too much though and we have to pull him off of her.
Sometimes its hard to update this blog. I find myself not wanting to some days. The reason isn't because I don't want to let people know what is going on, its just that sometimes I can write and distance myself from what I am writing. Its more information I am writing, not a personal, painful thing that I am sharing with others. Then there are the days that I can not distance myself from the reality of our situation and I am feeling the reality of Cancer. I don't like to feel it. I try to live with a wall built around me, it allows me to function. It allows me to make medical decisions and to try to understand everything that is going on with my baby. Sometimes the wall slips down and I allow myself those moments to fully take in my baby's situation from a mommy's point of view. But I don't do it very often. I like my wall, it allows me to do everything and know everything that I need to and still be able to take care of my three other children, a home, and a husband. I need to take care of myself better I know, but there will be more time for that later on. So I allow my wall to stay up for now, it is a survival mechanism. When I read over past blogs I realize how much my wall comes across to everyone, but I hope you all know it is my defense mechanism that I need for now. I joke with people that I will go through counseling when this is all done, but the reality is that we are planning on going through family counseling when this is all done for all of us. We will have a lot of healing mentally to do when the physical healing is done.
This all sounds like we're really struggling right now, but the strange thing is we're not, we're actually doing really well right now. Of course that is because we are all just functioning and surviving, but we are surviving. I am amazed at how much we can get through and how this has changed our priorities. Craig and I use to watch the clock for 8pm to put the kids to bed and then it would be our time in the evening. That has changed recently. Now we are doing things with our kids, even if it is watching a movie with them, we are not so concerned with putting them to bed, we actually want to be with them and enjoy them. We still look forward to bed some nights, but a lot of nights we go to bed at the same time and we are grateful for the extra sleep. I have never been a go to sleep early person, but recently I am in bed by 10pm most nights. My usual bedtime is around midnight. I still wake up several times at night with Avarie, but at least I care more about getting a little more sleep more then I care about spending time alone with out the kids. I value my kids more then I ever have. The cute little things they say and do have a whole new meaning to me.