Breaking Points

We all have breaking points, I know and sometimes I wonder where mine is. I almost reached it last night. I don't get very emotional over Avarie's situation. Sometimes I feel like a robot just getting through and doing what needs to be done. Yesterday was not one of those days.
Avarie has had a big set back. She has pneumonia. They confirmed it with the ct yesterday. The biggest hurdle in all of this is the fact that she just completed chemo. The chemo that she got is a major destroyer to your immune system chemo. So over the next week the chemo will continue to destroy her immune system. Which means that the pneumonia may continue to grow and get worse because she has nothing to fight it off with. The antibiotics they are giving her can help some, but they can't cure it, it takes a combination of both her body and the antibiotics to fight to get rid of it. They expect her immune system to start to regrow in about 8-10 days from now. Then her body can start to fight it off, but until then we just hope and pray that the antibiotics can hold it at bay. The Dr's said they are concerned, this is a very critical point for her. That doesn't reassure me at all, but they are also optimistic since her pneumonia does not appear to be to bad yet. They have told us this is going to take a while to fight and as soon as she is able she will need to receive her next dose of chemo, which she is due for in less than 3 weeks. They are hopeful that she will be able to fight the pneumonia enough by then to continue treatment. So with everything that is going on they have told me to plan on being in the hospital for at least the next month. I honestly felt my mouth drop when they said that. Its already been over 2 weeks and I am going crazy, another month seems like an eternity. But it is going to take her that long to fight off the pneumonia and then get her next chemo which requires a minimum of 6 days in the hospital. At this point I am just hopeful that we can be home for Christmas. That is my new goal. I want to have her home for Christmas. I don't want her to miss Christmas morning with her brothers and sister, I don't want to miss it either.
I think we were all scared whether she would be able to fight this pneumonia or not, but my father in law and brother in law came up that night and gave us both a blessing. I knew then that she would fight this and get through it, I just also know that it is going to take a long time for her to. I feel better about it all today then I did yesterday. The only thing that is hard today is the fact that she is now very awake most of the time. Now don't get me wrong I am ecstatic over that fact, that is a great sign and a huge progress for her. But keep in mind she is a four year old girl who is extremely strong willed and is feeling absolutely horrible in every way possible. That combination does not make for a happy or pleasant child. Also we are pushing her to try to use her body in physical therapy and occupational therapy. She cries through most of it and I can tell it is really hard for her but she gets through it and tries her hardest to do the things they are asking her to. She amazes me sometimes. I can't imagine going through everything her body is going through and then to have to be forced to try to learn to sit and hold my head up again. She is an amazing child even if she is really grumpy most of the time. I know the grumpiness will eventually go away and I will have my happy little girl back again.
I started this post during the day but didn't finish it until this evening. It has been a very, very long day. I am going to try to get a little video of Avarie doing something tomorrow and put it on the blog. My aunts stopped by today and were so impressed by how vocal she was being, I wanted everyone else to be impressed and see that too. she has come so far in the last couple of days, even with this new set back she has regained that firey part of her personality. That fire is what will get her through this. I need to remember that on days like today.